


trouble will find me

by poseidon



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Kirk-Centric, M/M, Post-Star Trek Beyond, Pre-James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Spock, Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-08
Updated: 2016-09-08
Packaged: 2018-08-13 22:15:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7988038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poseidon/pseuds/poseidon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The universe is large and you are small.</p>
            </blockquote>





	trouble will find me

The universe is large and you are small. They told him this, of course, back at the Academy, but it never quite sunk in until he sat in the chair and looked out into the vastness of infinity he was expected to navigate and discover.

There was so much to discover. Until the _Enterprise_ was destroyed and he couldn’t discover anymore.

 _God_ does he miss it.

* * *

There’s plenty to do in _Yorktown_ , they tell him. Places to see, food to eat, people to meet, all sorts of things. The crew invite him out every so often: it’ll be great fun, Captain; come on, it’s his birthday; it’ll be loads of fun and you rarely get out; it’s just me and Spock, Jim, please save me.

He doesn’t go out, though. There’s always messages and he always tells himself he’ll accept the next one but then it comes and he just ignores it. Just lets it sit there, unopened, unread, until the guilt seeps in long after the invitation has passed.

He doesn’t know why he does it. It just happens.

Sulu and his husband keep sending him messages and it takes him about a week after the first one to finally have dinner at their house. He sits in their living room and watches them in the kitchen, cooking together, gentle touches and gentle smiles. He feels like an intruder, someone peeking in on a moment that shouldn’t be seen by them.

Something pangs in his chest. Guilt, he thinks.

Sulu’s daughter climbs into his lap when he’s not looking and tugs at his shirt. “What are you doing?”

“Me? I’m just waiting for the food.” He picks her up and settles her on his lap. “What are _you_ doing?”

She shrugs and he smiles. It’s been a while since he’s been around kids and if he didn’t particularly mind it before, he definitely loves it now. “What’s your name?”

“Demora,” she tells him.

“Nice to meet you, Demora,” he hums. “I’m Jim. I’m friends with your parents.”

“Oh,” she says. She sounds pretty disinterested and he’s about to let her down when she says, “I’ve never seen you before.”

“That’s because I’m always in space,” he says.

“I’m in space too,” she points out indignantly. “Oto-san told me. We moved to space so we could be closer to Appa.”

“Yeah?” he looks back into the kitchen, at Sulu laughing at something Ben said. “Are you sad that he’s always off in space?”

She shrugs and climbs off to join her parents and Kirk feels like he really shouldn’t be here. He’s about to fake some emergency when Ben and Demora start setting the table and Sulu gestures him over. “Come on, Captain, we can’t have you brooding by yourself in the corner.”

Kirk forces a laugh and goes to join them. He leaves before dessert, assuring Ben he’d come by and stay longer some other time and is almost out the door when Sulu stops him. “I didn’t want to mention it,” he says quietly, “but I hear you’ve been really distant lately. Is everything okay?”

Sulu looks so concerned, so careful, and Kirk swallows hard before responding. “I’m fine. Thanks for dinner. Tell Ben it was delicious.”

When he gets back home, he sends a message to Commodore Paris and asks her to upgrade the _Enterprise’s_ long-range communications array. It’s the least he can do.

* * *

He’s lying in bed one afternoon when the door swings open and he sees Bones walk in from the corner of his eye. “Is this where the pain in my ass has been hiding out?”

Kirk manages a smile and sits up. “Nice to see you too, Bones.”

“I wish I could say the same,” Bones replies, not unkindly. He crosses his arms. “You look like hell. When’s the last time you left this place?”

“Gee, thanks,” Kirk shoves his shoulder halfheartedly. “I left a couple of days ago to meet Sulu and his family for dinner.”

“That was one week and three days ago, Captain,” Spock says as he steps out from behind Bones and Kirk has to laugh because damn, has he ever seen them team up like this outside of a life-or-death situation?

“Nice to see you too, Spock,” he says instead, curving his lips. “How is Uhura?”

“She is fine, I presume,” Spock replies. “She seems to be enjoying herself here in _Yorktown_ , the last time I saw her.”

Kirk raises a brow. “Don’t you two live together?”

Bones purses his lips. “ _She’s_ been living with her new girlfriend and my assistant, while I…” he takes a deep breath, “have had the… _pleasure_ of rooming with First Officer Spock.”

“Your tone does not reflect any sort of pleasure,” Spock counters and Kirk has to keep himself from laughing at how red in the face Bones is getting.

“You guys should’ve told me this sooner,” he says, grinning widely. “I would _love_ to just sit around and watch you two be roommates – we can even sell tickets!”

“We did tell you,” Spock says. “Doctor McCoy and I sent several messages inviting you.”

The grin fades away. “Oh.” He licks his lips and looks away awkwardly. “I, uh, haven’t had the time to check.”

“Wow, we couldn’t have guessed,” Bones rolls his eyes, but his expression is soft and full of concern. “Look, Jim, I’m a doctor, I know the signs when I see them.”

Kirk lets out a sigh. “Honestly, Bones, I’m fine, okay. I just… have a lot of things on my mind right now.” He runs a hand through his hair and heads over to the kitchen. “Have you guys eaten yet? I’m super hungry.”

He hears Bones and Spock follow him as he heads for the food synthesizer (it’s just easier to grab readymade food than to make it himself, when he doesn’t feel like it all that much) and sees out of the corner of his eyes, Bones vaguely gesturing at him in a series of pointed hand gestures. It takes Spock a moment to understand and he sits down at the table, as casually as possible. Which is to say not casually at all.

“I understand that it is difficult for a ship’s captain to function without their ship,” he says in a measured tone.

Kirk shrugs and pulls out a bowl of cornflakes, sitting down beside him. “Yeah, I guess, but the _Enterprise_ is getting rebuilt and should be ready within a year or so, so what do I have to worry about?”

“I suppose you may have a point,” he concedes and Bones lets out a barely concealed groan.

“Spock, isn’t there something _else_ you’d like to ask the Captain before you go off into your little tangent?” he gives Spock a pointed look.

“Ah, yes, there is,” he nods after a moment and looks back at Kirk. “Sir, does your behavior have anything to do with what Krall said to you?”

Kirk stops eating his food for a moment and blinks slowly. “What do you mean?” he asks, even though he knows exactly what he means.

“We all heard it, Jim,” Bones sighs, and Kirk is really starting to get annoyed by his pitiful glances. “We just want you to know that if you ever want to talk about it –”

Kirk doesn’t wait for him to finish. He stands up suddenly and goes for his coat. “Look, guys, I just remembered that, uh, I have a meeting, with, uh – Commodore Paris, so I’ve got to get going.”

“But Captain –” Spock starts but Kirk lets the door close behind him without a second thought.

He feels guilty about it later, when he’s finally out onto the streets and walking around aimlessly. It wasn’t either of their faults what happened between him and Krall, but it would’ve been nice if they’d just let him deal with it on his own time. He doesn’t need their guidance or sympathy. He’s doing just fine on his own.

He sits on a bench a couple of blocks away from his apartment and looks up at the parts of the station above him. They’d saved this place, he and his crew, from desolation and destruction. Hell, they saved the entire Federation, countless of lives and planets still moving, breathing, all because of them. He feels like he should be more in awe of what they’ve done – but it’s not like it’s the first time. Hell, it’s not even the first time _any_ Kirk has saved the lives of so many people –

And there he goes with the daddy issues.

Kirk wipes his face and sighs. “I can’t stay here, can I?” he mumbles to himself. And he can’t – not when he’s like this, loafing around with no ship to command, no mission to oversee. How can he do anything when he doesn’t even know himself? He has to get out of here and he has to go and do something. Anything.

He pulls out his communicator and sets up a meeting with Commodore Paris.

* * *

“Let me make sure I’m understanding you properly,” she says. “You want me to take you out of your extended shore leave and give you a temporary posting _anywhere,_ as soon as possible?”

“Anywhere they need help, ma’am,” Kirk clarifies. “I just… Pardon my language, but I’d like to not sit on my ass all day and actually do something for a change.”

She gives him a long appraising look (honestly he wishes people would stop looking at him like he’s going to crack at any moment – he’s _fine_ ) and looks down at her computer. “Well, the USS _Farragut_ is scheduled to depart from here in two days’ time and make a short stop on the colony of Tarsus IV in order to send down a few engineers to repair their failing communications systems. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if you tagged along with them.”

“How long would the posting last?” he asks.

“The _Farragut_ won’t be coming back for a while, but the supply ships should be coming in within the next two years. I’m sure by that time, your ship will almost be ready and you won’t have to – ah, ‘sit on your ass’ any longer.”

She gives him a lighthearted smirk and he returns it. “Thank you, ma’am. I’ll be ready to board the _Farragut_ – just let them know I’m coming.”

He turns to leave when she calls out after him. “This isn’t a mandatory posting so if you change your mind, feel free to let us know.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he tells her, but he doesn’t think he’ll have to.

He does some research that night and Tarsus IV sounds perfect – a remote colony, out in the middle of nowhere. A place where he can clear his thoughts, help out in ways that aren’t based from his knowledge of Starfleet operations but basic things, things only he would know, things exclusive to him and not – not someone else who – fuck, he really didn’t think this through, did he?

What kind of help would he be able to give those colonists at Tarsus IV? The best way to blow up a Romulan ship? How to ride around in a motorcycle while your friends escape from captivity?

God, this is all because of Bones and Spock – if they hadn’t meddled in his business and just left him alone _like he’d asked_ , then he wouldn’t have made this spur-of-the-moment impulsive decision and could’ve gotten along with his life like a normal person.

It might be a good thing he’s getting away from Spock and Bones.

* * *

He sends out a message to the crew the day before he’s set to leave and messages flood his inbox, well-wishes from everyone, a couple of invitations to go out and celebrate, some from Uhura, Sulu, Chekhov, and Scotty pissed at him for not mentioning this earlier and ‘dammit, Captain, this gives us maybe ten minutes to plan the party of the decade!’

And then there’s one from Bones telling him to come over.

He finds himself there a couple of hours later, sitting at the table with Bones and Spock on either side, and it’s only after a couple of drinks when one of them finally decides to speak.

“So, how long is it for?” Bones asks.

Kirk shrugs. “Maximum two years. Might be shorter, depending on how I feel.”

“Huh.” Bones swallows his drink and pats him on the back. “You know this was probably a stupid and impulsive decision, yeah?”

Kirk pushes his hand away with a roll of his eyes. “I thought this out completely – this was a well thought-out decision,” he insists.

“So this has nothing to do with our comments the other day regarding you and Krall?” Spock asks. His expression is wide and innocent and Kirk _knows_ he’s just on Bones’ team so he leans back with a groan.

“Look, if it makes you guys feel any better, I’ll send messages every day, okay?” he says. “That way, you’ll know I’m doing this completely because I want to and not because I wanted to get away from you two.”

There’s a brief pause. “Captain, that logic makes it seem _more_ likely you are trying to escape us.”

Bones lets out a laugh and Kirk claps him on the shoulder. He laughs even harder and Spock even gives a small smile and Kirk is suddenly hit with how much he’s actually going to miss them.

He doesn’t say it, though, as Bones pours another round and gets into another intense discussion with Spock about the history of bourbon, instead watching them with a bittersweet smile.

He thinks about contacting Paris, but he could always just get a ride back when he feels like it. And he really thinks it’ll do him some good, doing something besides being the captain of a ship. Maybe it’ll help him figure it out – who he is, exactly, without the shadow of his father over his soul.

* * *

The captain of the _Farragut_ welcomes him aboard and shows him to his quarters. Tarsus IV isn’t very far from _Yorktown_ , only a couple of lightyears, but it is the furthest colony without its own source of food and supplies, and Kirk wonders what it’ll be like. He’s been to colonies before, on the _Enterprise_ , but not like this one – this is something unique.

It’s a couple of hours into the voyage when there’s a knock on his door and Lieutenant Kevin Riley walks into his room.

“Riley,” he smiles, “I didn’t know you’d be here!”

“My parents live on Tarsus IV, so I thought I’d help out with the engineering and use that as a reason to visit them,” he replies. “I thought I messaged you about it.”

“I must’ve missed it,” Kirk says dismissively. “But tell me, how do your parents like it there?”

“Oh, they really enjoy it,” Riley says with a smile. “It’s kind of like an Earth desert, the atmosphere – my mother described it as Arizona – and while much doesn’t grow there, it does look very beautiful.”

“Sounds like a nice and relaxing place,” Kirk hums.

“I’m sure we’ll enjoy it, sir,” Riley says, and Kirk is inclined to believe him.

* * *

It is a lot like Arizona, Kirk muses, when they finally land. The sun is blazing down on his skin and the air is hot and dry but he’s used to such weather, and the landscape, full of rich reds and oranges, makes up for it.

“Captain Kirk, it’s so good to finally meet,” a woman says. She walks up to him and holds out her hand. “Erica Moulton, Assistant Governor to Tarsus IV. Governor Kodos apologizes for not being able to come out here and greet you personally – he has a skin condition that reacts negatively to the sun on this planet.”

Kirk gives her a charming smile. “I understand completely,” he says. “And it’s no offense to me – I don’t need the red carpet treatment.”

“Still,” she says, “Kodos insisted you be given a full tour of the facilities before having dinner with him at his estate. He’s _very_ impressed with your work.” She pauses a moment and gives him a smirk. “As am I, to be honest.”

Kirk thinks of how many times the bridge crew have complained about everything he’s ever done and resists the urge to laugh. “It’s not just me alone – there’s many people involved in the operations of the _Enterprise_. Though I’m sure we can get into it further during dinner.”

“I’m sure we can,” Moulton says, and she gestures him along as the engineers head off to the communications panel.

The colony isn’t the largest he’s seen, nor the most modern, but everyone seems to take great pride in being from Tarsus IV that it more than makes up for it.

“The scientific labs here are the most advanced in this sector,” Doctor Thomas Leighton tells him with immense pride, when he and Moulton stop outside his office. “I would love to give you a tour of the facilities sometime, Captain, but right now, I need to present a report to the Governor. If you’ll excuse me.” He ducks around them and heads off.

“He’s always running some experiment or other in there,” Moulton tells Kirk as they continue walking. “It’s quite impressive, actually.”

“He does sound very proud,” Kirk muses. He wishes he could say more on the subject – he’d never been that gifted in science and had no idea how to talk about it to anyone, unless it was Spock or Bones or really anyone he was close with. Why did he leave them behind – oh yeah, it was because he was being stupid.

He clears his throat awkwardly. “So, what’s exactly the situation with this broken communications panel?”

“There was a storm a couple of days ago, and some debris damaged the antenna,” Moulton explains. “It was a very delicate piece of equipment designed for long-range communications back to Earth and not many engineers are familiar with its mechanics. Hopefully it will be finished by the time the week is up.”

“Hopefully,” Kirk agrees.

They make their way to Governor Kodos’ residence close to the evening, since most of the exciting operations were on the other side of the colony, and Kirk finds himself on one end of a small dining table, with Kodos on the other end. One of his assistants is off to the side, typing vigorously into a datapad.

“Captain Kirk,” Kodos smiles as he sits down. “It is such an honor to meet you.”

“Likewise, sir,” Kirk says politely. “You have a very productive colony here.”

“Indeed we do,” Kodos nods. He leans back and gestures to the assistant, who nods and steps out of the room. “Eight thousand colonists, one of the most successful scientific research facilities, and a very prosperous mining facility down near the south end. We are truly blessed.”

“Now all we need is the sun to shine less and the comms to work and then it’ll be perfect, huh?” Kirk tries to joke. He relaxes a little when Kodos lets out a laugh and nods in agreement.

The food comes, something warm and delicious, and Kirk digs right in as Kodos continues to take small sips of his drink. “Commodore Paris gave me a very brief explanation as to what happened in _Yorktown_ and why you are here, but the account wasn’t particularly detailed.  Would you care to indulge me as to what happened with this Krall character?”

Kirk swallows his mouthful and resists a sigh. He’d been hoping to avoid this. He takes a sip of his water and obligingly gives a (somewhat edited) account as to what happened. When he starts explaining how Krall could change his appearance, Kodos’ head perked up and he listened more intently.

“The ability to change one’s appearance is quite remarkable,” he says, nodding his head thoughtfully. “I wonder if it was developed over time, or if there was some sort of machine capable of granting it.”

Kirk shrugs. “We never really got the chance to ask. There might be some genetic material of his left that they could analyze.”

“I’m sure,” Kodos agrees. “Perhaps they could send some of it here. We do have an extensive genetics laboratory here.”

“Isn’t genetic engineering illegal?” Kirk asks, brow raised.

“For sentient lifeforms, yes,” Kodos says. He leans back in his seat. “I am well aware, as are you, I’m sure, of the ancient Eugenics Wars that were caused by the very notion of trying to improve humanity, but I must admit, there were some interesting theories to come out of that time.”

“A time that nearly plunged Earth into a Dark Age,” Kirk replies.

“Yes, I am well aware,” Kodos repeats. “But you must admit, it is an interesting concept, is it not? To breed out any illnesses, disabilities, abnormalities, disfigurations, and the like? To have a perfectly healthy, powerful human race with no weaknesses whatsoever?”

Kirk sits up a little straighter, a little warier. “Personally, Governor, I find that the randomness in genetics is what makes us human. That all those things you listed are a part of the human experience and yes, it would be nice for no one to go through such suffering, but to breed them out in such a manner seems to be destroying our humanity more than helping it.”

Kodos doesn’t say anything for a moment, but there’s a polite smile on his face. “You raise excellent points, Captain,” he says. “Let us agree to disagree, then?” He starts eating and the topic changes, but there’s an uncomfortable feeling in the back of Kirk’s mind and he hopes communications will be restored soon.

Kodos’ assistant interrupts halfway through dessert, whispering in Kodos’ ear. He gives Kirk a sheepish look. “I apologize, Captain, but there seems to be some issues that require my attention. Eames can escort you to your quarters – they’re near the main science laboratories.” He gets up and leaves, and Kirk finishes his last few bites before following Eames.

“So, how do you like it here?” Kirk asks, on their ride back to the labs.

“It’s a nice place,” Eames says with a shrug. “Not as big as some of the other colonies where you could get lost going from your house to the supplies store but big enough where not everyone knows each other. Heck, not everyone living here has even _seen_ Governor Kodos.”

Kirk raises a brow. “You serious?”

Eames nods. “Well, there are pictures, of course, but in person, only about a handful – me, Pasha, Moulton, Dr. Leighton, Callisto, Dr. Nguyen, and you.” He counts them in his head. “That’s about seven.”

“Only seven people?” Kirk says. “How? He’s the governor of an entire colony – I thought it would be more.”

“His skin condition prevents him from going out too much,” Eames explains. “But he is a good governor. Moulton, Callisto, and I do most of the going out while he stays in and does his work. It’s not a bad system.” He parks outside the small house and helps Kirk inside. “If you need anything, let me know. Short-ranged colony-wide communications should work.”

“Thanks,” Kirk says, and watches as he leaves, before he’s all alone again.

He gets into bed and thinks about what he’ll do tomorrow – it’s a fairly large colony, with plenty of people. There’s bound to be something leisurely or important to do. And he’ll go out and do it tomorrow.

* * *

Kirk doesn’t go out the next day. Or the day after that. Or the day after that.

He wakes up every morning prepared to go out and explore and whatever else there was to do in this colony. And then he gets out of bed and all of that preparedness and inspiration dissipates and he's left with a feeling of nothingness and a desire to just sit around and do nothing.

Riley sends messages, almost every day, detailing how the repairs are going and inviting him for drinks or to meet his family or to just sit and reminisce about the _Enterprise_ and their adventures. He responds to each of them but never goes out to meet him. He just doesn’t feel like it.

Dr. Leighton also sends him messages but Kirk doesn’t bother to read them because he doesn’t owe him anything – he barely even knows him. There’s no reason for him to have to write out a message to him or anything, explaining why he doesn’t really want to go out and take a tour of the science labs.

He spends most of his days sitting around, watching some vids, catching up on some readings, and then, once Riley tells him the comms might start working again, he drafts out a message to send to Spock and Bones.

It takes him a long time to get it right.

_~~Hey, guys~~ _

_~~Hey, Spock and Bones~~ _

_~~Hey, have you two killed each other yet now that I’m not around?~~ _

_~~Hey, I miss you, I’m sorry, I want to come back~~ _

_Hey,_

_Hope it’s going good with you guys!_

_The comms just got fixed so I can finally send messages and I wanted to tell you two ~~this was a bad idea and I wish I was back and I want to stop being so tired~~ that so far, it’s been going pretty well. Governor Kodos ~~is pretty crazy but logical so you might get along with him Spock because you’re both logical hahaha I miss you~~ and I had dinner the first night I got here and he had some strange views on eugenics. I think you’d have some interesting conversation with him, Spock, but personally, I have more fun talking with you. ~~I miss you. Do you miss me?~~_

_There are some pretty incredible science labs here and the doctor here is nothing like you Bones – he actually_ enjoys _his work! ~~But I prefer you, because you’re my friend and you give such good advice and I wish I’d listened to you please help me out again I feel so tired and alone~~ He keeps inviting me out to join him in some random experiments. I better say yes to him one of these days, ~~but I don’t because I’m so tired all the time why am I so tired I used to be so full of energy and now I’m just so sad please help I don’t want to be sad anymore I’m sorry~~ just to be nice. His name is Doctor Thomas Leighton, if either of you have heard of him._

_And also, if you two didn’t know, Lieutenant Kevin Riley is also here – apparently his parents live here and we’re going to have dinner sometime soon. ~~His father knew my father back on the~~_ ~~Kelvin _and I don’t know how I’ll react when he talks about him. You know how I feel about my father, Bones. I wish you were here to help me. I wish both of you were around so I wouldn’t have to do this alone._~~ _I’ll let you guys know what happens._

_What’s going on back in_ Yorktown _? How is everyone? I miss all of you._

_Talk to you soon,_

_Jim Kirk_

The message itself is so short, he thinks. What he doesn’t say is louder than what he did, and that’s so strange to him, because he’d usually just say what’s on his mind, and all of a sudden, there was so much on his mind that he couldn’t say it.

He wishes he could go back to _Yorktown_ immediately, but the repairs aren’t done yet, and so he’s stuck. Stuck here, on Tarsus IV, for no reason except that he was stupid. He has a message prepared for Commodore Paris the moment he can’t take it anymore, but the comms _still_ don’t work, and so he waits.

He thinks a lot, while he sits in his quarters. Of Bones and Spock in a series of escalating intellectual arguments that usually end in lots of drinking on Bones’ side and meditation on Spock’s. Of Sulu and his husband cooking in the kitchen while he and Demora watched. Of Chekhov trying to convince Uhura that language itself was invented in Russia. Of Scotty trying to get Jaylah used to the idea of homework and studying. Of the crew sitting around in the mess and having a good time in between missions.

He doesn’t know why he left. He thinks he does, but he knows that it was a huge mistake and he regrets it so much now.

He’s spending one of his days lying on his couch when there’s a knock on his door. At first, he thinks it might be Moulton or Eames trying to get him to have dinner with Kodos again and he debates on whether or not to act a little sick or very sick when he opens the door.

Then he hears Dr. Leighton’s voice call out, “Captain? Are you in there?”, and he relaxes a little (though still pretending to be a little sick, just in case) and opens the door a fraction. “Yes?”

“Oh, hey,” he smiles politely. “I, uh, sent you a message the other day but you never responded. Is everything okay?”

Kirk nods and gives him the most charming smile. “Yeah, yeah. I just got caught up in some work and forgot to check my inbox. I’ll read it in a moment.” He tries to close the door but Leighton moves forward.

“Are you busy right now?” he asks. “Because if you’re not, I was thinking perhaps we could grab a bite to eat. You are my neighbor, after all, and I think it’s strange we’ve barely interacted. It’s been over three weeks.”

“Wow, really?” Kirk says, trying to mask his genuine surprise. Three weeks, and the comms _still_ weren’t fixed? “Well, time flies when you’ve got work to do.” He pauses a moment, looking at Leighton for a moment and seeing his genuine empathy and desire to connect. “Let me get dressed and we can go get lunch.”

Leighton gives him a smile. “All right, I’ll wait out here.”

It ends up taking Kirk fifteen minutes to get dressed and ten minutes after that to finally get out the door. Leighton is there waiting for him and they step out of the building together.

“So, Dr. Leighton,” Kirk says, trying to make casual conversation, “what do you do around these parts?”

“Mostly genetics research on crops, though my interests are wide,” he shrugs. “I did read your ship’s doctor – Doctor McCoy’s thesis on space exploration and the varying types of disease and viruses that can be transferred.”

Kirk lets out a laugh. “Yes, that’s the good doctor’s favorite subject. He loves nothing more than to complain about space.” And now he’s staying in what’s essentially a giant glass orb in the middle of nowhere, lightyears away from any real planet, with a man who frowns upon his lifestyle. Funny how things happen.

They don’t walk for long, ending up at a small restaurant with booths instead of tables and faux fluorescent lighting, giving a very nostalgic feel to the atmosphere.

“It’s based off of Earth’s 1950s,” Leighton tells him with a pleased look as they slide into one of the booths. “The owner here is a real big historian.” He flags down one of the hosts and orders drinks, which arrive moments later.

“Seems like It,” Kirk says jokingly. “Yeah, I like the past well enough – bit of a classical music fan myself.”

Leighton raises a brow. “Really? Which ones?”

Kirk shrugs, taking a sip of his drink. “Some obscure ones, really. Beastie Boys, Beyoncé, people like that.” He lets out a chuckle. “My First Officer, he’s a huge fan of Adele – says her melodic tones help ‘induce a meditative state that satiates his human side’ or whatever. He’s, uh, half-human, half-Vulcan, if I didn’t mention that. I remember one time, when we were in our shared bathroom, he – he…”

He pauses a moment to stop laughing at the memory, and then, all of a sudden, feels a heavy weight in his chest. Spock was just trying to help earlier and he’d pushed him away because he didn’t want to deal with it. Now the only people he could talk to about this were lightyears away and he had no way of communicating with them.

He misses them so much.

Leighton awkwardly clears his throat. “Er, Captain?”

Kirk blinks and looks up. “Oh, uh, sorry. I just… remembered something.” He sits up straighter and takes another sip of his drink.

“Is something wrong?” Leighton asks, looking the right amount of concern one would be when someone starts to tell you a funny story and then cuts off in the middle with a sad expression.

Kirk shakes his head. “Nothing. Nothing, it’s good. Just, um, could you tell me again about the genetic research you’re doing?”

Leighton still looks a little confused, but he thankfully doesn’t ask any more questions and goes into vague and scientific details about his work. The conversation ends up going back to classical music, but this time, they trade recommendations and Leighton’s the one who delves into a story, about his childhood and how listening to something by a composer Kirk had never heard of (“The Kinks? Doesn’t sound like the type of music parents would let children listen to.”) inspired him to join Starfleet.

He seems like a pretty decent guy, Kirk decides, and they end up heading back near the evening. They stop outside the entrance to the science labs and Kirk says, “Thanks for inviting me out, Doctor. I had a nice time.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” Leighton says. He unlocks the main doors and turns to him. “You should know, your officer, Lieutenant Kevin Riley – he asked me to come in and check up on you periodically. He was concerned about your health and that you were spending too much time indoors and not interacting with anyone.”

Kirk blinks, but he can’t muster up any anger at Riley for going behind his back and more or less forcing him to go outside and interact with someone other than the computer that controlled the vids. “He, uh, didn’t have to do that,” he says. “I’m fine.”

“If you say so, Captain,” Leighton says, in a tone that more than strongly implies he doesn’t believe him. “But still, if you ever need anyone to talk to, let me know.” He opens the door. “Oh, also, please don’t tell Riley that I told you – he was afraid you might demote him back down to Engineering.”

Kirk rolls his eyes, a smile tugging on the edge of his lips. “I’ll keep it to myself,” he says. “Thanks, Doctor.”

“I told you about The Kinks, you can call me Leighton, at least,” he laughs.

“All right, Leighton,” Kirk smiles. “Call me Kirk.”

Leighton gives him a nod. “I’ll see you around, Kirk,” he says, and enters his lab.

* * *

Kirk finally accepts Riley’s invitation the next day for a late lunch. Luckily (for Kirk, at least), his parents are busy with something and so it’s just him, Riley, and some of the engineers sitting around outside the communications satellite, drinking some of Mr. Riley’s liquor.

“Honestly, this communications array is _the most_ confusing thing I have ever seen,” Riley complains.

“Tell me about it,” one of the other engineers – Gatsby – says. She takes a drink out of her bottle, shaking her head. “Reminds me of the homework assignments I used to get from this professor back in the Academy – he was a real hard-ass. Can’t remember his name, though. I know it started with an S…”

“Was it Smathers?” another engineer asks, and when Gatsby nods, Riley throws his head back and laughs. As the rest of the crew starts reminiscing about the good old days of the Academy, Riley turns to Kirk and shakes his head.

“Honestly, though, I doubt even Mr. Scott could make this thing work,” he sighs. “Jaylah, maybe, but it would be hard for her, too.”

“What exactly is wrong with it?” Kirk asks. He adjusts his seat and looks out over at the array, bright metal glinting in the sun. “I thought it just got knocked around in the storm.”

“It did,” Riley says. “But then there was some lightning and it fried some of the circuitry – not all, _some_ – so the tricky part is finding the places where the wiring is bad and replacing it _exactly_ in the _exact_ way with the _exact_ part needed, and not messing with where the wiring _isn’t_ fried. If we mess up even a _little_ , we have to do it all over again.”

“Wow,” Kirk says. “Must make you miss that time we almost blew up the warp drive, huh?”

“I’d take an overheated warp core over this any day,” Riley agrees. “Especially since I now know how to fix one.” He finishes his drink and throws it over to the disposal, where it lands with a dull thud. “It did manage to send and receive one message, separate times, before something messed up. If it happens again and we need a message to test it out with, do you want us to use one of yours? I promise I won’t read it,” he quickly adds.

Kirk doesn’t hesitate in nodding. “Yeah, definitely,” he says. “I’ll send one over. Just let me know when you need another one.”

Riley pats his arm in a friendly manner and they go back to paying attention to the conversation around them.

When Kirk finally gets back to his quarters, after having to sing along to a rendition of some old Irish song with Riley about someone named Charlene, he sends the message and manages to sleep easily that night for the first time in a long while.

-

A week goes by, and then another.

He still doesn’t leave his quarters that often, but he does leave them from time to time, either to have lunch with Riley and his engineering crew (who have somehow inducted Kirk into their little group and invite him over constantly) or to just sit in Leighton’s lab and watch him do experiments.

Both of them are nice in their own ways – Riley for the familiarity and the group environment, and Leighton for the distraction and the vague way he resembles both Spock and Bone – the former with his intellectual prowess and the latter with his general attitude about certain things.

Kirk tries to remember the exact details of some of the experiments or the punchlines of the jokes he tells but they just disappear from his mind the moment he returns to his room to write it down. Eventually, he simply asks Leighton to write out one of his experiments and some of his jokes.

“Sure,” Leighton shrugs. “But can I ask why?”

“I can’t remember the details and I want to tell my friends – er, First Officer and Chief Medical Officer about it,” he replies. “That’s Commander Spock and Doctor McCoy, respectively.”

“Yes, I know,” Leighton says with a slight chuckle. “You’ve mentioned them quite a few times.”

Kirk looks away and tries not to feel too awkward. “Right, well, uh…”

“We can move on to another subject, Kirk, don’t worry,” Leighton says and he leans in close to a test tube, carefully adding in a few drops of something while Kirk watches closely.

“So what is this for, again?” he asks.

“I’m testing the soil to see if it can support the kind of crops we plan to grow here,” Leighton explains. “We’re an ever-expanding colony on the new frontier and people love to be on the frontier.”

“I know,” Kirk says. “Believe me, I was one of the ones pushing the frontier further.”

“And I’ll thank you for that. Maybe when the tourists finally start flocking here, I can get a decent enough grant to open up a research-based theme park to pay off my bills.”

Kirk lets out a laugh and Leighton grins, and they go back to experimenting again.

Moulton, who he hasn’t seen since his first day, sends him a message asking how he’s settling in and if he’s doing well. He ends up arranging a lunch with her in the same place as he and Leighton did. She sits across from him and sips loudly at her retro milkshake.

“The repairs are taking a surprisingly long time,” she says, wiping her mouth with a napkin. “We honestly didn’t think it would take this long of a time to get done.”

Kirk shrugs. “Things like this take time, though I’d hate to be the ones working on it.”

“Same here,” Moulton hums. “So, how is life on Tarsus IV treating you?”

“Not that bad, actually,” Kirk says. “I don’t really have much to do, besides the few messages Kodos sends me, asking me my opinion, so the rest of the time, I relax. It’s very restful here.”

“It’s a very nice place to rest and relax,” she agrees. “Dr. Leighton mentioned you were helping out at the lab, too.”

“Oh, yeah, just a bit,” Kirk says with a shrug. “It’s mostly just to have something interesting to write home about. When they get it.”

“I’m sure your family will appreciate it,” she says. Her communicator beeps and she lets out a groan, standing up. “Sorry to cut this short, but I have a meeting on the other side of the colony in ten minutes. We should do this again, sometime, though.”

“We should,” he says with a polite smile, and walks her out.

He thinks about the word ‘family’ for the rest of the day, and he doesn’t know what to quite make of it.

That night, he has a very strange dream – not a nightmare like the ones he has after yet _another_ near-death experience, not a lighthearted dream about him on the _Enterprise_ , not a weird one that reminds him of one of their missions, not a sad one about his parents and the day he was born. No, this one is just. Strange.

In the dream, he’s Spock. Except he’s not exactly Spock. It’s like he’s a guest, sitting in Spock’s mind, getting snippets of what he sees, hears, and even thinks. If it was real, it would feel like a serious invasion of privacy, except. It feels nice. Relaxing, even, to be sitting in Spock’s brain – which is likely the weirdest thing he’s ever thought, ever.

He sees Spock having a casual breakfast argument with Bones and hears him think, _Doctor McCoy’s arguments are starting to have a stronger scientific basis. I am glad he’s learning. Now if only the rest of the crew could do the same and then there would be a significant decrease in life-threatening situations aboard the_ Enterprise _._

Kirk laughs aloud and he feels Spock’s lips quirk. Bones looks at Spock like he’s grown three heads and is wary for the rest of the day.

The next thing Kirk knows, they’re with Uhura, outside at some social function. He can hear Chekhov loudly in the background, along with Scotty, and feels a strong sense of nostalgia. He didn’t realize how much he missed them until now. Or maybe he didn’t feel it until now.

Uhura raises a brow at Spock. “Are you okay?” she asks.

Spock nods. “I am fine,” he says. “It would have been nice to have the Captain here, though.”

“Yeah, it would’ve,” Uhura says, “but he went off to Tarsus IV for however long he’s going to be there, so…” she trails off and shakes her head. “Hey, I haven’t introduced you to my girlfriend yet, haven’t I?” She pulls someone over and Kirk recognizes them instantly.

 _Hey, it’s Christine Chapel_ , he thinks.

“Christine Chapel,” Spock says aloud, and then frowns slightly.

Chapel raises a brow. “Excuse me, have we met before?”

“I do not believe so,” Spock replies. “But I seem to recognize you, somehow.”

Uhura starts talking about how they met and Kirk shakes his head, or whatever is considered his head in this non-corporeal form. _Man, this is a weird dream_ , he thinks.

 _Dream?_ Spock thinks in response, and then the scene changes. They’re back in Spock’s quarters and Bones shoves a datapad into Spock’s hands. “Jim sent a message. If I didn’t think he was a doof before, I’d definitely think he’s a doof now. I’m gonna go write my reply.”

Neither he nor Spock decide to ask what a ‘doof’ means as they look down at the message. Kirk recognizes it, even knows it by heart.

_Hey,_

_Hope it’s going good with you guys!_

_The comms just got fixed so I could send this message, but they might be broken again by the time you get this, so I’ll make it quick. I wanted to tell you that so far, it’s been going pretty well. Governor Kodos and I had dinner the first night I got here and he had some strange views on eugenics. I think you’d have some interesting conversation with him, Spock, but personally, I have more fun talking with you. ~~~~_

_There are some pretty incredible science labs here and the doctor here is nothing like you Bones – he actually_ enjoys _his work (and also your work, surprisingly). He keeps inviting me out to join him in some random experiments. I said yes to him once, just to be nice, and it went well. He’s a cool guy, and I think both of you would like him. His name is Doctor Thomas Leighton, if either of you have heard of him._

_And also, if you two didn’t know, Lieutenant Kevin Riley is also here – apparently his parents live here and we’re going to have dinner sometime soon. I’ll let you guys know what happens when I can._

_What’s going on back in_ Yorktown _? How is everyone? I miss all of you._

_Talk to you soon,_

_Jim Kirk_

Spock looks over the messages and sighs quietly. _It sounds like he is enjoying himself. I’m glad he is. Perhaps the change in scenery improved his mood, or perhaps it was because of us, mentioning what Krall had said. It feels selfish, but I wish he were coming back. It was nice to have him around, when he was actually around both physically and mentally. But I hope he stays for as long as he needs – psychological rest is necessary for anyone in his position. And he is a good man. He deserves it. Though I must admit, if only to myself, I do miss him._

Kirk can’t help it – he laughs.

Spock blinks and looks up, and then he’s looking at him. _Jim_? he says, and Kirk wakes up.

* * *

Riley sends him a message about a month after the repairs have started, telling him that the message sent but the comms broke almost immediately after and they’d like a new one to send as soon as they can. Of course, Kirk obliges.

_~~Dear Spock and Bones,~~ _

_~~Dear Bones and Spock,~~ _

_~~Dear Spones,~~ _

_Hey guys, it’s me again!_

_Nothing’s really changed since last time except ~~I feel a bit more distracted from whatever it was bothering me back when I was with you two. I think it’s because I’m avoiding Riley’s father except I have to agree to a lunch with him soon and I don’t know if I can. Or if I want to~~ now I’m spending more time with Dr. Leighton and Riley and his team of engineers. The latter have been working diligently on trying to get the comms fixed but it’s very hard work. Hell, I don’t even know if you got my first message!_

_Anyway, I’ve attached some of the stuff I’ve been doing with Dr. Leighton, just to prove that I’ve been leaving my quarters, and some jokes he said, just to prove I’m developing a camaraderie. See, I can be a normal, functioning person – I just needed a change of pace._

_I’ll try to send more messages when the comms are back on. Might even cut this vacation short and go back to my original vacation._

_~~Also, I had a really weird dream about Spock where I was inside his mind and he called me Jim. I don’t know what it means, but I think I miss you. It looked like you all were having fun without me but I think you guys missed me too. I want to hear you again.~~ _

_Hope to finally hear back sometime soon,_

_Jim Kirk_

He sends the message to Riley and Riley sends back his father’s request of joining him for tea at his home. Kirk half-wishes it would be at a bar instead because then drinking would be socially acceptable and when the hell did he turn into Bones?

He accepts the invitation and, the next day, finds himself sitting across from one of the survivors of the USS _Kelvin_. A survivor thanks to the efforts of his father. Fuck, how did _that_ happen?

He clears his throat and takes an awkward sip of tea as Mr. Riley smiles at him softly. They’d spent some time talking about the _Enterprise_ and some of the more exciting missions, but Kirk knew what was coming next. “You look a lot like your father when he was younger, you know.”

 _Bingo._ “Yeah?” Kirk replies, as politely as he can.

“I’m sure you’ve heard it plenty of times before,” Mr. Riley continues, “but your father did a very brave thing all those years ago. Then again, you’ve gone and beat his records of saving lives twenty times over, huh?” He lets out a laugh and shakes his head.

“Yeah, I, uh, guess I have,” Kirk replies. He has a feeling of what’s coming next – something about his father’s legacy, how he’s doing living up to it, stuff like that.

Mr. Riley lets out a heavy sigh and looks back at him. “It’s a little strange what you’re doing, being a captain, when that was the one thing George didn’t want to do.”

Kirk blinks. “What?”

Mr. Riley lets out another laugh. “You _really_ didn’t know?” he asks. “God, what has everyone been telling you all these years – the _last_ thing your father wanted was to become captain.”

Kirk’s head is swimming and he can’t think of anything to say.

“He was going to leave the _Kelvin_ after you were born,” Mr. Riley continues. “Always talked about settling down in San Francisco, becoming a professor for the Academy, spending time with you and Winona, raising a full family.”

“Oh,” Kirk says quietly.

Mr. Riley nods sagely, leaning back in his chair with his hands wrapped around his cup. “It’s tragic that he never got to raise you – he would’ve been a fantastic father. But I can say without a doubt, he would’ve been proud of you.”

Kirk sips at his tea and is silent for a long moment.

* * *

_~~He didn’t want to be captain. He never wanted to be captain. He was forced to be captain, and I became a captain on a goddamn dare.~~ _

_~~Did Pike know? Did he just dare me to see what I was capable of? Why did I do it?~~ _

_~~I did it because I wanted to do better. I wanted to be better.~~ _

_~~I~~ _ ~~want _to be better._~~

_~~Did I do better? Is this what I want to do?~~ _

_~~I don’t know. Maybe?~~ _

_~~I’m good at it, but is that enough? Should I continue? Do I want to continue?~~ _

_[Message deleted]_

* * *

He’s just in his room, just sitting, relaxing, unsure of what he’s doing, when the alert comes about the storm. Both Riley and Leighton offer him to come join them, just to be a little less alone, but he respectfully declines both of them and spends the entirety of the storm lying in bed.

He knows this will further damage the comms but he can’t really bring himself to care about it, not at this moment, lying in bed and listening to the storm outside. Though he knows he should, because if it doesn’t, he’ll never get to talk to Spock or Bones – and god, does he want to talk to them – until the supplies shipment comes in less than two years from now.

Does he want to stay for that long? What _does_ he want?

He has another dream that night, though it weaves in and out between two of them – he’s his father and the _Kelvin_ is going down or he’s himself and the _Enterprise_ is going down and there’s nothing he can do to stop either ship from being destroyed. Sometimes he sees Spock there, and Bones, and Sulu and Uhura and everyone else. Sometimes they run around and try to help. Sometimes they just stand and stare at him. And sometimes they’re not there at all.

There’s a moment he sees himself through Spock’s eyes – sitting in the captain’s chair, shouting out orders. In one moment, he’s looking at his young self, cheating his way through the _Kobayashi Maru_ , and then he’s looking at an older version, world-weary, and prepared to go down with his ship.

“You’re being stupid, Jim,” Bones says, once Kirk is back in his own body. “Let us help.”

“Get out of here, Bones,” Kirk replies. “You need to leave. I can’t have your death on my conscience too.”

“Captain,” Spock says, softer than he’s ever sounded, “you do not have to do this alone.”

“This is my ship, Spock,” Kirk sighs, and he sounds so tired. “You should get out of here while you have the chance. It’s logical, isn’t it?”

Spock doesn’t respond. He leans forward and reaches out.

Kirk wakes up in bed and hears the storm still raging on outside, so he doesn’t get up. He eventually goes back to sleep, but he doesn’t have another dream.

* * *

He reads Riley’s message when he wakes up, detailing the extensive damage done to the comms systems and how it’s looking more and more likely they’ll have to wait for the supply ships to come to send out a message asking for a new system.

“Probably should’ve done that in the first place,” Leighton says when Kirk relays the message.

“I’m sure they were just trying to save funds,” Kirk shrugs in response.

“That usually gets us into more trouble,” Leighton says with a laugh. He looks up at Kirk, suddenly frowning. “Hey, Kirk, are you all right? You look exhausted.”

“I haven’t been sleeping well,” he admits. “Just some really… weird dreams.”

“Weird dreams, huh?” Leighton sits up on his stool. “Not exactly my science, but maybe I can help out. What’re they about?”

Kirk hesitates a brief moment, unsure of whether or not he should tell the truth. But he’s gotten to know Leighton, and he seems like a decent enough man, so he takes a deep breath.

That’s when Moulton bursts through the lab doors. “Doctor, we have a problem.”

Leighton grabs his coat and gestures Kirk along. It’s a short, hurried walk to the central supplies system, with Moulton eerily quiet and not trying to make basic small talk. She opens the main doors leads them inside, finally showing them the food storage unit, and it takes Kirk a few moments of staring inside for him to realize what’s wrong.

“There’s not enough,” he says.

Moulton nods. “Over sixty percent of our stocks of replicator unit supplies were destroyed in the storm overnight,” she says, pointing at the damaged wall to the side of the unit. “We managed to salvage some in the morning but that’s not the main problem.” She pauses a moment. “Callisto can tell you the rest. Kodos has called us for an emergency meeting. You’re invited, of course,” she adds, looking at Kirk.

I don’t exactly feel comfortable being a part of this since I’m not exactly the most useful contributor in such a crisis, Kirk wants to say, but then they’re on the move again and the next thing he knows, he’s sitting at that table again, across from Kodos, though this time, there are several others at the table with them.

Leighton sits at Kirk’s right and it helps him breathe a bit easier as he catches the last few words of Callisto’s speech.

“Based on the calculations done by myself and Dr. Nguyen, we only have enough food to last us, comfortably, three months.” She clears her throat. “If we close down all restaurants and replicators and begin rationing food out, we can extend it to a year. But this is under the assumption that the fungus has not spread onto any of our remaining supplies.”

“Thank you, Callisto,” Kodos says as she sits down. He presses his fingertips together and takes a breath. “Our first priority should be to fix the communications system and contacting the Federation as soon as possible. Eames, inform the engineers. They will have to work day and night. Callisto and Moulton, spread the news and start closing down the replicators and restaurants. Dr. Leighton and Dr. Nguyen, analyze the remaining stock and make sure there is no chance of the fungus spreading. And Captain Kirk,” he pauses, gaze boring into Kirk’s soul, “would you be willing to assist in doling out the rations, once we have them prepared?”

Kirk nods. “Of course,” he says.

* * *

While everyone else he knows works, Kirk spends his time walking around in his quarters and convincing himself he’ll be able to do the job.

This is a crisis, he says to himself, and that’s when you work the best. Riley will be done restoring the comms soon and then the supplies will come and then everything will be good. Remember the rules – accept their identification card, scan it, retrieve a set of rations, deliver it, and call for the next person. One set per family. No extras.

He doesn’t know why he’s so nervous about this – there’s really nothing to fear, but something lurches in his stomach every time he thinks about it and he has no idea why. He wishes he could talk to Leighton or Riley or even Moulton but they’re all working.

The day comes and he sits at a small table, Eames beside him, with a small computer between them to scan the cards and to retrieve the correct set of rations.

This whole thing could be done by a computer alone, but there weren’t engineers to spare to make the system foolproof, so that’s why he and Eames are there – to make sure no one tries to cheat the system. And _fuck_ does Kirk wish that weren’t the case because he doesn’t know what he’ll do if someone asks him for extras.

No one does the first day. Some people come with their whole families, holding small children by the hand or babies in their arms, hoping that it might implicitly earn them more, but Kirk only takes one card, scans it, and hands it back with their rations.

It goes well that day, and the day after that, and the day after that.

Kirk tries not to think too much as the days go by.

* * *

“We found it just in time,” Leighton tells him one night, as they sit in his lab. The fungus is in an isolated tube between them and Kirk stares at it as he listens. “Only destroyed about five percent of what we had left. If we’d been even a minute too late, it could’ve been much worse.”

“I’m glad we found it,” Kirk says quietly. “What do we do now?”

“Nguyen has some background in engineering, so she’s setting the system up so no more volunteers have to wait to retrieve their rations. Now it’s just in the hands of the computer.”

“If it gets worse, won’t someone try to hack it?” Kirk asks.

Leighton bites his lip, before nodding. “But it won’t come to that,” he says quickly. “The engineers will repair the comms and the Federation will come to save us.”

He looks so hopeful that Kirk has to believe him, even though a part of him doesn’t feel the same way.

-

He doesn’t hear from Riley for days. He and the others are working non-stop, trying to repair the entire thing. He doesn’t know how well they’re doing or if it can even be done. But they do it anyway and all he can do is hope they manage to fix it.

The first few weeks go by fine, the incident too recent for anyone to react to the impact yet. He sees it in their eyes – they all think that any second now, the comms will be repaired and they can go back to their normal way of life.

But then more time goes by. People start to get antsy, nervous, fidgeting in line around him as they wait to retrieve the day’s rations. But the engineers are still working so there’s still some hope, and that’s enough to keep them going for another day.

And then Kodos calls for another meeting.

“The communications array is effectively destroyed,” he tells the group, solemnly staring down at the table. No one can say anything, so he continues. “That means we cannot contact the Federation and retrieve extra supplies. The engineers are trying to see if they can enhance a short-range communicator in order to send a message to the nearest colony, but they ask that we do not rely on this plan and that we should plan for the worst.”

Kodos pauses again, but there still is no response. He clears his throat. “We must implement a more serious rationing in order to sustain the colony for as long as possible. Dr. Leighton and Dr. Nguyen, calculate how much we will need to reduce the current sets in order for the supplies to last until the Federation arrives.”

He dismisses everyone and they all go.

* * *

“I’m not even supposed to be here,” Kirk tells Leighton one night. “I wasn’t supposed to be here. I just came because I didn’t want to be in _Yorktown_. Now I’m here, and Riley’s sending me messages saying he’s sorry he couldn’t get it fixed and people are going to be starving and…”

Leighton leans over and puts a hand on Kirk’s back. “This isn’t your fault, Kirk.”

“I know,” he sighs. “But I still feel guilty.” Leighton squeezes his shoulder and he sighs again. “I don’t want to think about it, you know?”

“I get it,” Leighton says, voice quiet. “I can’t sleep at night. I just… can’t. Knowing that I have to get up and face all these people in the morning, their hungry starving souls and children. I… can’t.”

They look at each other for a long moment.

Kirk doesn’t know who makes the first move, but it feels so natural to kiss Leighton and to be kissed by him, to have his fingers run through his hair as his hands slide up his shirt. They tumble into bed together, kissing, touching, eventually exhausting themselves and just lying down, holding hands as they wait for the sunrise together.

* * *

_~~It’s been six months.~~ _

_~~None of the short-range communicators have been successful. We haven’t been able to send anything. We’re trapped.~~ _

_~~Kodos has initiated martial law, trying to deliver as much aid as possible but I don’t think it’s working. People still scream at night.~~ _

_~~I don’t go outside anymore. I sometimes hear people crying. Children crying. They haven’t eaten a full meal in six months and all they can do is cry. I don’t feel hungry but I feel their pain and my own.~~ _

_~~We’re doing what we can to keep sane.~~ _

_~~I shouldn’t even be here. I only came because I was stupid and I thought if I got away, I’d feel better but now I feel worse and I don’t know what to do, what to say, how to help, how to do anything.~~ _

_~~You always knew what to say, Bones, and you always knew what to do, Spock.~~ _

_~~I don’t know why I left you.~~ _

_~~I sleep with Leighton. Sometimes it’s just sleeping but sometimes it’s not. I know I probably shouldn’t have, but I did. It helps distract both of us from what’s going on, and it helps me sleep better at night. But I still feel guilty. I feel guilty about everything right now.~~ _

_~~I wish I wasn’t here.~~ _

_[Message deleted]_

* * *

He wakes up one night and hears some screaming, the smell of destruction in the air, and he turns away from the door and goes back to sleep.

The next morning, there’s a message from Kodos about another meeting, and it’s obvious from everyone’s expression that it isn’t good news.

Callisto stands, pulling out a datapad and reading her notes. “Last night,” she begins, “some civilians broke into the supply systems and, in their attempt to retrieve some supplies, unintentionally started a fire that destroyed almost half of our stocks.” She takes a deep breath. “We do not have enough supplies left to feed the entire colony.”

She sits down and there is dead silence. Kirk feels Leighton’s hand reach for his under the table and he gives it a gentle squeeze.

Kodos presses his hands together and lets his breath hiss out through his nose. “How many people can we feed until the supplies arrive?”

“Four thousand,” Dr. Nguyen replies. “And that’s pushing it.”

“All right,” Kodos nods. He looks to Moulton. “Give me files on every single colonist – adults, children, infants, everyone.”

“What are you going to do?” Kirk asks. His voice sounds strange to his own ears, quiet and tired, close to giving up.

Kodos looks at him and Kirk is suddenly reminded of their first night meeting. “Only four thousand people in this colony are going to be able to survive. So we must decide who will be among those four thousand.”

Kirk blinks. “ _What_?” he hears, but not from his own mouth – it’s from Leighton’s. “How can you – how can _anyone_ make that kind of decision?”

“By solely basing it on logic,” Kodos responds smoothly. “There are people on this colony, such as everyone in this room, the engineers, the scientists, and some others, who are more, shall we say, of value than others. If we focus on letting those who _should_ survive than those who do not need to, then we would be using our resources in the most efficient manner.”

“Eugenics,” Kirk replies, staring back at Kodos. “You pick the people with the best traits and you let them live.”

“Indeed,” Kodos says. “Do you see now, how it can be useful?”

“No,” Kirk says. He stands up without meaning to, but he can’t help it. Kodos looks at him, expressionless, and it fills Kirk with a rage that fills the emptiness inside, giving him a purpose once again. “First of all, there is no way anyone can decide who is more worthy and who is less – especially if that decision is made by a human, with all of those opinions and biases that a human has. Second, we don’t have to let _anyone_ die – if we just focus our resources on trying to extend the range of those communicators, we can –”

“If that plan was going to work, it would have worked six months ago,” Kodos says, his tone rising ever so slightly. “Now, are you going to be useful or are you going to object more?”

“I’m not going to be a part of this,” Kirk says firmly. “You can’t decide who lives and who dies, Governor. Nor should you. This is a godawful plan and I won’t stand by and let it happen.”

Kodos’ expression remains neutral as he lets out a sigh. “Due to your record, Captain, I will not sentence you to death, but I cannot have you voicing what you know to the public. You will be put under supervision for the remainder of your stay here.” He turns to Moulton. “Have security escort Captain Kirk to his new quarters.”

Moulton hesitates for a brief moment, then shakes her head. “No,” she says quietly. She stands up. “I can’t do this, sir. I can’t pick and choose who lives and dies. I – I won’t.”

“Fine,” Kodos replies, as though his assistant refusing his orders is a common occurrence. “Callisto?”

Callisto looks at Moulton and Kirk, a sad expression in her eyes, and gets her communicator out to call security.

“I’m not leaving,” Kirk says firmly, and Kodos just smiles.

At first, Kirk doesn’t understand, until a strong and burly man comes through the door and grabs him by the neck. For a second, he can’t breathe and, oddly enough, remembers the time Spock punched him in the face, and the time Bones tried to help him out by injecting him with a vaccine that just made things worse. He wonders if this is what it’s like to have your life flash before your eyes.

And then Leighton, strong, brave, loyal, punches the security guard in the face. Kirk’s able to breathe once again but then he sees Moulton on the floor and a phaser in the guard’s hands and his heart stops in his chest.

“Get some more men and take all of them down,” Kodos says dispassionately as he stands. “And get a medical kit for Dr. Leighton. He should be able to patch himself up.” He turns and leaves, and the rest follow. Eames turns around and gives Kirk a meaningful look before disappearing through the doorway, and Kirk tries to think of what he did to lead to something like this.

* * *

The side of Leighton’s face is injured, but not badly, and Kirk and Moulton help him clean up the small wounds. They sit in silence together for a long while, in a quiet room with one locked door, three beds, and no windows. A prison cell.

Moulton sits on her bed with her back against the wall and sighs. “My mother lives here. She’s – she has dementia, and sometimes she doesn’t know where she is or what’s going on. But she’s my mother and I love her and I wish I could tell her again.”

Kirk doesn’t know what to say except, “I’m sorry.”

She shakes her head and wipes her eyes with her palms.

Time goes by, days, maybe. Maybe weeks. It’s hard to tell. Food comes in three times a day for all of them and they eat in silence, sometimes talking, sometimes not. They ignore it when someone’s stomach growls and they ignore it when someone cries themselves to sleep at night. It’s the polite thing to do.

He holds Leighton’s hand at night and Leighton holds Moulton’s and they sometimes sleep and sometimes don’t.

They try not to think about how many people will be sentenced to death.

Then, one day, Eames comes. He opens the door and holds out a datapad for each of them, wordlessly. Kirk grabs one and scrolls through it, and realizes it’s a list of colonists. Then he recognizes names. Riley, but not Kevin. Moulton, but not Erica.

“They’re going to be executed next week,” Eames says after a moment. “I came here because I thought there was something you could do, something to save us.” He looks at Kirk earnestly and Kirk looks away and after a few minutes, he sighs and leaves.

Kirk is silent for long after.

Eventually, Leighton sits up and clears his throat. “Kirk?”

“Yeah?” Kirk says quietly.

“You never finished telling me what kind of dreams you’ve been having.”

Kirk lets out a heavy sigh and leans back. “Just the usual. My crew, my friends, all of them. Sometimes, I feel like I’m actually talking to them. There was one dream, where I was with Spock, and I also _was_ Spock. I was him. I was in his brain, I could hear what he was thinking and it was almost like… he was responding.”

Moulton sits up. “What species is Spock?”

Kirk raises a brow. “He’s Vulcan. Well, half-Vulcan, half-Human.”

“My girlfriend is a Betaziod, but she has Vulcan friends. They’re touch telepaths,” Moulton says. “They can feel and project their thoughts and preform mind-melds, though there needs to be physical contact. But since your Spock is half-human, then, maybe, the same rules don’t apply.”

Kirk blinks, then blinks again. “Oh my god,” he mumbles quietly. “Do you mean – that this whole time, I was talking to the _real_ Spock?” He lets out a laugh, high and hysterical, before his eyes widen and he realizes what’s happened. “Oh my god. If I can talk to him, then maybe I can tell him what’s happening!”

Leighton sits up and looks at Moulton. “Do you know how to do it?”

She nods. “I think so. You’ll need complete quiet and absolute concentration in order to go into a deep meditative state, then you have to reach out to his mind.”

“Do you really think it’ll work?” Kirk asks.

“I have no idea,” she admits. “But it’s the only plan we’ve got.”

“Then let’s do it,” he says.

* * *

Kirk feels like he’s floating, flying, even, until his feet touch down and he opens his eyes and there he is. On the _Enterprise_ once again, sitting in his captain’s chair and watching the screen before him. Except there’s nothing on the screen. Not stars, not a video, nothing. Just darkness.

“Captain?” Spock says, and Kirk sees him step up before him, and Kirk stares at him for a few moments. God, he missed him so much.

He jumps up from his seat. “Spock, listen, I don’t have time to explain. This is me talking to you – the real Captain Kirk. Jim.”

“Jim?” Kirk turns his head around and sees Bones entering the bridge, looking as confused as he usually does and Kirk’s heart lurches.

“Bones!” he laughs. “What’re you doing here?”

“I have no idea,” he says. “God, Jim, you look like shit. Wait – Spock?”

“Doctor,” Spock responds, looking as confused as a Vulcan can.

“God, this dream keeps getting weirder and weirder,” Bones mumbles under his breath. He wipes his face and sighs.

“I do not believe this is your dream,” Spock says, “for you would never dream of yourself in space – intentionally, at least. And this is not my dream, for I usually dream of Vulcan in its glory days of my youth.”

Both of them turn to Kirk and he nods. “It’s mine. Well, it’s not a dream, but I don’t have time to explain. I called you both – well, I called Spock, I have no idea what you’re doing here, Bones. It’s probably just my nostalgia or homesickness or something. But I have something important to tell you: the communications system on Tarsus IV is broken, and we haven’t been able to send out a message. We’re running out of supplies. Children are starving, and we don’t have enough food to feed them. “Governor Kodos…”

Kirk pauses, and looks at Spock. “He thinks it makes sense to kill half the population in order to save the other half, and I can’t let that happen.”

Spock doesn’t say anything for a moment. He turns to the screen and it flickers to life, all of a sudden, and Kirk recognizes the scenery. Vulcan, the moment the red matter was activated. When it was destroyed.

“When is he going to enact his plans?” Spock asks, still calm, still professional.

“Soon,” Kirk says. “Convince Commodore Paris, get the crew, send supplies, send troops, send whatever you need to send. Please.” The scene starts to flicker in and out, and his body feels less stable, more air. “Please.”

Bones and Spock exchange a look, and they both look back at Kirk.

“We will be there as soon as possible,” Spock says.

“Stay alive, kid,” Bones says.

Kirk lets out a laugh and the ground opens up and swallows him whole.

* * *

Kirk opens his eyes and sits up. He was lying in bed for who knows how long. Moulton is sleeping, back turned to them, but Leighton is awake. He looks over at Kirk when he stirs and sits up. “What happened?”

“I think – I think it worked,” Kirk says. “I mean, someone else was there too so it might’ve been fifty percent dream, but… I think it worked.”

“Oh, thank god,” Leighton lets out a sigh of relief. He sits back and stares up at the ceiling. “I haven’t been able to sleep, ever since you began meditating. I just can’t stop thinking about what’s going to happen.” He lets out a long breath and turns to him. “Remember that story you were trying to tell me about Commander Spock?”

The corner of Kirk’s lips quirks. “I do, actually.”

He tells Leighton about when he heard Spock listening to Adele, then when he found Bones and Scotty playing a drinking game that involved listening to songs with Chekhov and drinking every time he said one was from Russia (they were never from Russia), then when Sulu and Spock accidentally created a semi-sentient super plant that nearly destroyed the Enterprise until they managed to make an accord with it and dropped it off at the nearest uninhabited planet, and then he stops.

He stops and realizes that he’s spent an entire hour just talking about the Enterprise and its crew and while Leighton might be listening to distract himself from the impending doom, he himself was telling the stories because he misses it. He misses being in the Enterprise, with his crew, with his family, and that’s where he belongs.

That’s why Sulu stays, though he misses his family. Why Uhura stays, though she could get a better position anywhere. Why Scotty stays, though he absolutely hates how much pressure is put on the engines on a daily basis. Why Bones stays, though he hates space. Why Spock stays, though he could always leave.

They’re a family, and it took him travelling to a colony in the middle of nowhere, starving himself, and talking about his feelings to a scientist moments before four thousand people are to be executed.

“Fuck,” he mumbles to himself.

“Did you say something?” Leighton asks.

Kirk shakes his head.

Leighton looks back up at the ceiling. “Kirk, do you mind if I ask you something personal?”

“No, go ahead,” Kirk says.

Leighton licks his lips and pauses for a moment. “Do you love him?”

“I… who?” he asks.

“Spock,” he says. “Do you love him? Because Vulcans are notorious for excluding emotional creatures such as humans, but Spock – his bond with you stretches across the stars and you can feel it tugging at you in your dreams. I think that’s a clear sign that there might be something there.”

“I never thought about it,” Kirk says, before shaking his head. “No, that’s a lie. I have thought about it. I’ve thought about it plenty of times and I think… I think…” he trails off and thinks about it for a long moment. He sits up and looks at Leighton. “I’m sorry.”

Leighton laughs, and it sounds so strange after months of absence, and it reminds Kirk of the nights they spent together, talking about everything and nothing, and the nights where they didn’t talk at all, just acted, just distracted each other from impending doom. “You don’t have to apologize, Kirk,” he says. “As long as we’re still friends.”

Kirk smiles softly. “Friends,” he repeats, mostly to himself. “I think we’ve gotten past the point where we can now call ourselves Jim and Tom, huh?”

Leighton laughs, slowly shaking his head. “All right, Jim,” he hums, then, adds quietly, “Thank you, so much, for being here.”

“It’s all right, Tom,” Kirk replies quietly. “I’m glad you’re here too.”

* * *

Eames opens the door one day, accompanied by Callisto and the security guard. “Governor Kodos wishes that you be present, Captain Kirk, when he begins the executions.”

Kirk gets to his feet, a little unsteady, and squeezes Leighton’s hand gently as he walks to the door. The security guard cuffs his hands and helps him walk along.

“How is he going to do it?” Kirk asks no one in particular.

The security guard doesn’t answer but Callisto does. “Firing squad, straight into a mass grave,” she says, as removed from her words as possible.

It angers Kirk, a little, how blasé these people can be about death. About murder. “And then what?” he asks bitterly. “Cannibalize their remains to survive?”

He sees her clench up but her response is measured. “We’re doing this to them in life, we shouldn’t continue to disrespect them in death.”

They arrive at Kodos’ office a few moments later. He’s seated at his desk, a speaker system before him, with the windows pulled out so he can see the whole view – guards, surrounding four thousand people on three sides, with the fourth leading to a large pit. There are no children down there, Kirk sees, but there are still people, and isn’t that still bad?

“You couldn’t even give them the decency of showing them your face before sentencing them?” Kirk says when Kodos looks up. “You could at least look remotely guilty about killing them.”

“Do you think I _want_ to kill them?” Kodos asks. “That I want half my people to starve and the other half to die in unmarked graves? Or would you rather I starve them all in an equal fate?”

“We could’ve done something,” Kirk insists. “We could’ve worked on the communicators, hacked into some emergency systems – we could’ve done _something_.”

“Maybe, but what if we’d succeeded too late? What if our children died before we could fill them with life?” Kodos asks. “You have too much faith, Captain Kirk.”

“And you have too little,” Kirk replies. “We could’ve found a way.”

Kodos doesn’t respond, instead gesturing to a chair where the security guard forcibly seats him. Lucky him, he has a front row seat to this massacre.

The speakers spark to life and Kodos clears his throat, and starts reading out from a speech – a goddamn _speech_ , as though these people care that their deaths will mean survival for the rest. Some may, of course, but some won’t. Some won’t even know what’s happening until it’s too late.

"The revolution is successful, but survival depends on drastic measures,” Kodos says, in a voice well-measured, well controlled. He lowers the paper and looks down to the crowd. “Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of society. Your lives mean slow death to the more valued members of the colony. Therefore, I have no alternative but to sentence you to death. your execution is so ordered. Signed, Kodos, Governor of Tarsus IV."

Kirk hears screaming but he doesn’t close his eyes. He sees phasers being shot and people falling to the ground but he doesn’t close his eyes. He smells blood in the air but he doesn’t close his eyes.

And then he looks up and sees, in the distance, growing rapidly closer – ships. Federation ships. And he feels something in his chest that he hasn’t felt in so long.

“Spock,” he whispers, and he smiles as he closes his eyes.

* * *

When he opens his eyes, he knows he’s not on Tarsus IV anymore. He slowly sits up and there they are, sitting on chairs by his bedside, Bones leaning his head back with Spock leaning against his shoulder, looking as though they’ve been there the entire time.

Kirk looks at them and he can’t help it. He starts to cry. It’s not sadness, it’s not anger, it’s. relief. He’s so relieved. He’s so glad to be back.

He hears some small commotion as Bones and Spock get up and stand beside him.

“Captain, are you okay?” Spock asks softly.

“Maybe he’s going into shock,” Bones suggests.

Kirk wipes his eyes free of the tears and starts to laugh, feeling Spock’s confusion as Bones groans, “Oh, great, now he’s _definitely_ in shock.”

Kirk reaches out and weakly punches his stomach. “I’m not in shock,” he says, still smiling. “I’m just… I’m happy. I’m glad I’m back.” He wipes his eyes again as Bones pulls up the chairs so he and Spock can sit on either side of him. “Where’s Tom – er, Doctor Leighton and Miss Moulton?”

“They’re being treated for malnutrition and starvation,” Bones says. “As are you, so don’t you dare try to get out of here before you’re officially discharged.”

“When have I ever done that?” Kirk asks with a small chuckle as Bones rolls his eyes. He clears his throat. “So what happened, how did you guys get there in time? Where’s Kodos? What’s going to happen to him?”

Bones and Spock look at each other for a moment, and Spock speaks first. “As you are aware, you and I have developed a telepathic bond that, somehow, transcends the requirement for touch and allowed us to communicate from lightyears away. And, somehow, that bond shared between you and I managed to extend to Dr. McCoy.”

“When you spend a long time around someone, talking with them, being with them, you eventually see them differently,” Bones says, and he looks at Spock with a kindness that Kirk hasn’t seen directed at Spock before.

He thinks of Leighton and the times they’d spent together and nods. “Yeah, I know what you mean,” he says quietly.

“In any case, when Dr. McCoy woke, he relayed the dream he had, just as I relayed the message I received from you.” He pauses a moment. “I must admit, this is not the first time Dr. McCoy and I had shared similar dreams.”

“You know, I keep telling him to call me Leo or Leonard, but I don’t think it’ll catch on,” Bones says and Kirk laughs.

Spock gives them a condescending ‘oh, you humans’ look and clears his throat. “In any case, once we realized that what we had seen was certainly a message from you, we went and got clearance from Commodore Paris to bring an entire unit. Relief units are still there for assistance, but we brought – per your slightly delirious request – Dr. Leighton, Ms. Moulton, and the Rileys to _Yorktown_ , along with whoever else was suffering the worst out of the rest.”

Kirk nods slowly. “I see,” he says. “And what about Kodos? What’s going to happen to him?”

Bones decides to take this topic. “He’s getting reprimanded and tried in a full court. They found evidence that the so-called attack on the supply stock might’ve been entirely orchestrated by him in order to, you know…” he shakes his head with a sigh. “His entire staff is going to testify, but we managed to get you out of it. Spock felt like you probably had enough of him in your life.”

“Yeah, you’re absolutely right,” Kirk says with a sigh.

Bones hesitates. “There is… _another_ thing we should probably tell you.” He clears his throat and gestures at Spock.

Spock hesitates as well. “Er, well, Captain… well, the communications system was replaced. And we received your messages.”

“Okay,” Kirk says.

“I don’t think you understand,” Spock says. “We received _all_ of your messages.”

Kirk blinks, then blinks again. “You mean – the ones I deleted got _sent_?”

Spock looks away, green highlighting his cheeks, and Bones sighs. “Well, if it makes you feel better, kid, we missed you a lot too.”

Kirk braces himself to feel embarrassed, except. He doesn’t. Yes, those things he wrote were private – too private to be said aloud. But then again, they shared a deep connection now, the three of them, and he doesn’t want to keep secrets from them anymore. Not again. “You know what?” he says. “I’m glad you’ve read them.”

Bones stares at him and Spock raises a brow. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure,” he replies. And then he sits up and laughs. “I’m glad to be back, and I’m glad to have you around, and I love you guys.”

Spock looks over at Bones. “Do you believe he’s experiencing a reaction to the nutrition and medication?”

“It’s highly possible,” Bones replies seriously. “We should run some tests.”

“Oh my god, guys,” Kirk rolls his eyes. “I’m fine, just come down here and give me a hug. _Both_ of you.”

They exchange another look before awkwardly wrapping their arms around Kirk’s top half, rubbing his back gently.

“There,” Kirk smiles once they’ve pulled apart. “Was that so bad?”

“Terrible,” Bones deadpans.

“I agree with Dr. McCoy,” Spock says. “Or, rather… Leonard.”

Bones gapes at Spock and Kirk laughs and laughs.

Oh how he missed them so.

* * *

He’s still bedridden when the crew starts to show up, couple by couple. Chekhov comes with Scotty and Keenser and they gift Kirk an expensive bottle of scotch.

“I picked it out myself,” Chekhov says proudly. “Did you know that this particular brand of scotch was produced in Russia?”

“No idea,” Kirk replies with a slight smirk. He turns the bottle in his hands. “You guys know I probably can’t drink this for a while, right?”

Scotty pats his arm consolingly. “Don’t worry, Jim, we’ll drink it on your behalf,” he says sagely, and takes the bottle out of his hands. Kirk’s nurses later berate all of them for making him laugh so hard that he starts to cough up his lungs.

Uhura and her girlfriend come together. Christine has a vague memory of once meeting Kirk, who was crashed on Dr. McCoy’s couch for a solid month back when he was in the Academy and she was interning, and he has a strong memory of meeting her again as Spock – though he keeps that part to himself.

“So, Chapel, did Uhura tell you about the time I drunkenly hit on her and as a result, became captain of the _Enterprise_?” he asks.

Uhura rolls her eyes. “There were a _lot_ of things that happened in between that,” she corrects, and Chapel laughs.

“She did, actually,” she smiles. “It sounds pretty exciting, actually, travelling around the galaxy, searching for new horizons.”

“You want to come along?” Kirk asks her, and she laughs.

He eventually sends her résumé, along with a letter of recommendation from Bones, to Commodore Paris with a request that she be assigned to the _Enterprise_. Bones will be glad to have someone else around to pick up the slack when he’s off making snide comments around Spock, Kirk thinks with a smile.

Sulu and his husband bring Demora with them and she climbs onto Kirk’s bed and pokes his chest.

“Your clothes don’t fit you,” she informs him.

“I have to grow into them,” he tells her and she lets out a small giggle.

“How are you feeling, Captain?” Sulu asks.

Kirk looks up at him and smiles. “I feel great.”

* * *

When he’s finally allowed to walk around – or, rather, use a chair to move around, he goes to visit Leighton. He’s still bedridden, the wound to his face having healed poorly due to the lack of energy in his body, but he still smiles when Kirk walks in.

“Can’t believe they’re letting you out already,” he says with a chuckle.

Kirk shakes his head. “Nah, I haven’t been discharged yet. Thought I could do with a little walk.”

“Well, I’m glad you came here to visit.” He pushes his bed up and smiles. “How’ve you been?”

“Healing nicely,” Kirk replies. “They think my body will return to normal in a couple of months.”

“That’s good, same here,” Leighton hums. “The face might get fixed faster, though. Finally, after many long years, I get plastic surgery.” They laugh together when he continues, “I saw Dr. McCoy and a Vulcan walk by a while ago. Were they yours?”

Kirk smiles. “More like I’m theirs,” he admits. “When you’re up to it, we should all get together sometime. I know they’d love to meet you.”

“I’d love to meet them too,” Leighton smiles. A nurse comes in and he lets out a sigh. “And that’s medicine time. See you around, Jim.”

“See you soon, Tom,” Kirk smiles.

Spock is there when he gets back, waiting patiently by his bedside. “I saw you speaking with Dr. Leighton earlier.”

“Yeah,” Kirk nods. He struggles a little with getting out of his chair and Spock moves in to help him, strong arms pressed to his sides as he helps Kirk climb back into bed. “He’s a good guy. Helped me with a lot of stuff. Though I bet you saw that in the messages.”

Spock nods. “We inferred, Dr. McCoy and I, that those messages with too much personal information were perhaps not meant to reach us.”

“They weren’t,” Kirk says. “But I’m glad they did. It’s probably for the best.” He leans back and lets out a soft breath.

Spock regards him quietly. “Your behavior has changed much since your departure.”

“It has,” Kirk agrees. “I’m glad you guys came to my room that day and made me think about myself and what I wanted. I think it helped not only those colonists, but… it also helped me. I learned a lot of things about myself.”

Spock raises a brow but makes no comment on the matter. “Dr. McCoy and I visited Lieutenant Riley and his family while you were still unconscious. His father asked me to tell you that you are very different from your father – though I do not know what that exactly entails.”

Kirk lets out a laugh, shaking his head slightly. “It’s a good thing, don’t worry,” he assures him. He sighs again, staring up at the ceiling. “Hey, Spock?”

“Yes, Captain?”

“I’m not better yet. I’m probably not going to be better for a while. I’m gonna get sad, I’m gonna get angry, I’m not going to want to talk to anyone for days on end, and I might even cry again. But I just want you to know that I’m glad the two of you are here, with me, to help me out.”

He looks at him and smiles softly. “Thanks, for being here for me. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

Spock looks at him. His eyes are slightly wider and his expression looks more human, emotive and confused. “I do not know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Kirk says. His voice has gone soft, unintentionally or not, and he holds out his hand.

Spock hesitates a moment and reaches out to take it, and they sit in a comfortable quiet.

* * *

“Are you feeling well, Captain?” Spock asks for what feels like the hundredth time.

Kirk rolls his eyes. “You can feel how I’m feeling, Spock, you know I’m fine,” he says, not unkindly. “And I told you to call me Jim when we’re not talking shop.”

“I apologize, _Jim_ ,” Spock says, enunciating his name as fully as possible. “I’m just uncertain whether this party Leonard has organized will be good for your health.”

“It’s a party with all of our friends, Spock,” Kirk tells him. “Besides, Sulu’s daughter is going to be there and she’s adorable.”

“She is quite aesthetically pleasing,” Spock admits. He pauses in front of the door.

Kirk looks up at him, remembering all the times he wished he could see him again. And now he can, whenever he wants. “Hey, Spock?”

“Yes?” Spock looks down at him.

“Let’s go on a date.” Spock raises a brow but Kirk continues. “Just the three of us – me, you, Bones, in your apartment, relaxing, watching a vid, having fun. Does that sound good to you?”

Spock doesn’t respond for a moment. “I am not averse to the idea,” he says slowly. “Do you want to?”

“Obviously,” Kirk says, resisting a roll of his eyes.

Spock gives him the ghost of a smile, and pushes open the doors.

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from "Sea of Love" by The National.
> 
> I love Star Trek so much. Happy 50th Anniversary!
> 
> Hit me up on [tumblr](http://www.poeorgana.tumblr.com) to talk more about how much I love my son, James T. Kirk.


End file.
